Sunday, February 22, 2009

How to Simulate Submarine Life
In The Privacy Of Your Home

1. Obtain a large dumpster. Paint exterrior charcoal-black, weld all the covers shut except one which can be bolted closed from the inside. Coat the interior with one-gallon diesel fuel. Hitch it to the back of your ol’ lady's mini van. Gather twelve friends and bolt yourselves inside and let your ol’ lady pull it around for several weeks while she does the errands.
2. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Three hours after you go to sleep, have your ol’ lady whip open the curtain. Shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "You got the next watch, oops, sorry…wrong rack".
3. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can, a box, or have to add water.
4. Paint all the windows on your car black. Drive around town at high speeds with your ol’ lady standing up in the sunroof shouting course and speed directions to you.
5. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
6. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
7. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere.
8. For proper air quality put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
9. Don't watch T.V. except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one. Get six copies of The Sound of Music and show it at least every other night.
10. Don't do your wash at home. Gather your neighbor’s clothes along with yours, pick the most crowded Laundromat you can find, and do the neighborhood laundry in a single washer and dryer. Make sure that 12% of the laundry is lost and 20% of the finished laundry is incorrectly distributed to the wrong neighbor.
11. Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level. (For Engineering Divisions)
12. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
13. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
14. Sleep with your dirty laundry.
15. Bug juice becomes your favorite after work refreshment. Goes much better with a shot of torpedo gilly.
16. Invite at least 85 guests to a party, but don't have enough space, chairs, or food for them…and have no beer available within 500 miles.
17. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
18. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional--canned ravioli, cold soup, or cherry peppers)
19. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
20. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose. Have the ol’ lady yell, “this is a test” after about ten minutes.
21. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart, scrape off any gunk, and then put them back together.
22. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
23. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for two or three months.
24. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning. Toss out the sulfur-smelling, dark green eggs only.
25. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
26. Periodically check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
27. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
28. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car.
29. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
30. Every so often, yell "Emergency Surface", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your ol’ lady for not having the place "stowed for sea".
31. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
32. Write a controlled work package to change the oil on your car. Setup a card system of weekly tasks so you don't forget to change your oil or fill up the gas tank. Make sure you make a lengthy record of your car upkeep and get your ol' lady to sign-off your worksheet.
33. Periodically sleep on the kid’s teeter-totter; then give twenty bucks to a homeless person to put the board in motion every half hour while yelling “standby for angles and dangles” into an empty number ten tin can.

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